by Between the chaos and the joy of parenthood, something that usually does not arise in the daily conversation: the ability to break cycles and rewrite the script by becoming the parent you needed as a child. There is a healing in that, but also a surprising amount of sadness when it touches you that nobody did this for you grow up. So many parents, whether they realize it or not, are hurreling themselves while raising their own children.
In the seventh episode of their podcast, After bed with big small feelings, Big little feelings Founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist who specializes in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in mother and child education, Wade in a number of emotionally deep waters: how do you deal with the complex emotions that arise when you realize that your child? Margolin shares her advice for navigating these hard moments for Yahoo’s “After bedtime“Column.
There is a part of the parenthood that we do not talk about enough: the part where you finally become the parent you always needed – and it feels both healing and heartbreaking at the same time.
When you sit on the floor during your child’s collapse, stay calm and choose the connection above the check, it is beautiful. But sometimes, at that quiet moment, a whisper sneaks into: damn it. Nobody ever did this for me.
That pain? That’s sad. And it can overwhelm you because parenting is not just not about raising your child. It is also about meeting the parts of you that have never been held, never heard, never safe. It realizes that you actively give your child something that you have not received – and that is complicated. There is healing in it. There is strength in it. But there is also a sadness – a soft, calm sadness for your own young person himself.
And here is the thing that most people miss: both can be true and exist at the same time. You can mourn and still continue. You can feel sad and still show up. You can hurt and still heal. This is how breaking the cycle actually looks like. It is not a photo perfect parenthood. It doesn’t always feel good. It stays in the game, even if your heart hurts.
Because every time you pause, breathe in and choose your connection? You don’t parent your child alone. You repeat yourself. You send a message back through time: “You also earned this kind of love.”
6 self-talk sentences to use in those hard, healing moments
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“Of course this is difficult. I give what I never got.” (It is only why it is difficult to soothe the shame.)
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“It’s okay to mourn the love I needed and still give the love they need.” (Holding sadness and giving at the same time.)
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“I am building something that nobody built for me.” (Validates the courage and weight of breaking a cycle.)
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“I love them as I always deserved to be loved.” (Connect the promotion directly to your inner child.)
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“I was not only raised. I also raised myself.” (Powerful reformulation that reformulates repetitions as an active process.)
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“This is the part where I will be who I needed.” (Invites empowerment and possibility to the mourning moment.)
How to heal my own inner child changed the way I educate my children
It has made me a softer, more compassionate and more self -conscious version of myself. I can feel sad, crazy, frustrated and scared. It doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human. And the more I have embraced my own emotions, needs and imperfections, the happier, lover and more patient I have become as a parent. Learning how I can appear for Little me has helped me to appear for them.
If I could whisper one thing against my younger person, it would be this: you were never too much. You just waited for someone who could treat your great feelings with love, understanding and safety. And now? That someone is me.
And perhaps that is the most powerful part: becoming the parent you always needed did not know what you went through, but it creates something that your child – and your inner child – can stand on. Something solid. Something safe. Something better.
Not perfect. Just brave. A moment at the same time.
